I could see the pain that laid between your toes, the never ending shivers refusing to let your spine rest. Despite everything that has happened, you are still the same person I’ve admired right from the start. I always held my promise, to be there with you along every broken day with the sun hidden away. But those days are gone now, along with every thought I once kept for you. It took me far too long to realise just how much my heart could stretch, no matter the love shared. Advertisements
I don’t want to be consumed by the poison that is myself any longer.
You are not the storm you make out to be, the crack between sanity and reality. I understand the jumble of words inside that corrupted mind of yours as it tries so hard to complete the picture. Your words shouted out without thought, hoping to discover the illness of your days. Let me tell you that it will be okay, that every mystery comes down to the depression chipping away at your shoulder, devouring every last piece of self esteem. But do not fear as this crippling feeling deep inside you will perish over time. Take this from me, an impaired person refusing to let death inside every appointment I walk into. I have taken so long to acknowledge the painful reality that depression cannot be cured by a simple pill over night. It takes countless nights of staring at empty ceilings, corrupted thoughts at train stations, and numbed out screams for help. The road out may not be an easy one,
You make it out like I’m some wild card, like every part of me is filled with some form of mystery. I’m not even remotely close to being a mystery, I am who you see standing right in front of you. The person I present to you is the character I’ve become, it’s the shyness slowly tearing, it’s the jokes with distractions. I’m in no means hiding a knife behind my back ready to pounce. I mean every word with sincere honesty, in the hopes to gain trust for no other reason than to support you.
I can no longer stare at these empty halls, these pressed down seats before a heart sinking moment with the doctor. I’m too tired of the weeks that turn into years between every approach, testing my patience over and over. This long list of flaws has become blurry by the numbness of over-analysing the question of “why bother?”. I’ve lived my life in denial of knowing the content of that list, so much that I can only offer strangers the simple answer of “half a heart”. When further asked, I mumble medical terms off the top of my head hoping to sound like I know myself. I tell myself every day that I’m okay with the idea of being gone, that every bullet point on that list will finally reach me. Maybe I’m not okay with that, maybe I deny the list because I’m terrified of what might be inevitable. Maybe in not knowing, I could somehow prevent the realism of life
So many thoughts, left at 3 in the morning. Our minds acting free, yet trapped within our fears. For every night, is spent with hidden tears. Whatever the case, whatever the pain, all ends will be met. Our 3 am thoughts, will soon perish. Our nights ending sooner, with eyes quickly weary with peace.
I could say a million things but you would already know them. The cryptic messages only for your eyes hidden between lines. Your beauty astonishing yet missing from my sight. I miss your smile inducing messages, your gorgeous quirks lit up inside every sentence sent my way. I hope for your softness every night as I look across at my phone. Maybe you’re lost, searching for me, searching for something to cross the deserts set out ahead of you. Please, find it, whether it’s a cave with its rocks tumbling away a pathway for you, or even turning back to some of your old methods of survival.
A thread of string can only be pulled so far before it is torn apart. When will you accept that change is important? Whether it is letting go of the past and moving on, changing where you are in this moment of life, or even seeking the help you’ve been desperate to cry out for. Maybe instead of keeping every thread stressfully intact, they can be selectively released. Maybe letting go of hopeless threads, life becomes easier with newer opportunities. This perspective of changing never sparked in my thoughts overnight. It arrived in the slowest and most painful way it possibly could. It served itself in the form of struggling nights filled with emptiness, nights packed with empty tears and drowned out heads. Wounds made fresh time and time again, reminding myself of all the pain caused both to and from my own heart. My mind replaying every torn smile, every forgotten hug, every unfulfilled promise. This growing perspective of
You are a masterpiece in the making. This pathway you’re taking should never be judged lightly, as the harsh reality will hit you like a hailstorm. Despite this long and difficult journey, I will still be here no matter what, because in all my time as an observer, I’ve never seen such incredible beauty grow. I’ve witness the quiet, gentle voice you express when you talk about your passion. The softness never fails to send shivers down my spine, it never fails to crack a smile in the corner of my lips. I’ve seen the spark in your eyes as I watch your face glow with both excitement and determination, perfectly mirroring your deepest passions. This warmth you emit encourages the happiness inside me, often in times of defeat when the last thing on my mind is joy. But somehow you do that, and I can’t help but crumble before you as I attempt to collect those three little words.
You have become a ghost, an image of the past. The only power you have left in my life are the scarring memories you left behind me: The midnight Skype calls, the goodnight messages, the quirky rants, the dreams we shared. But they’re all just dents scratches that cannot be painted over. You gave me some of the best times of my life and I will always be grateful for that. I will always cherish the quietness we shared, the beautiful silences of realisation. You sparked the realisations of all the potentials in life. The potential of a happy life, filled with blissful escapes, exciting adventures, and moments of pure love. All these moments, these small aspects of my life were shaping up alongside you, alongside us. And for once in a long time, I was incredibly happy. I spent every day with a plan; I was productive, thinking it was all going to work out. Then when night came, I