I can longer get through the nights without your touch in my mind. I’m getting lost in the beats of every song cycling through my headset, every beat reminding me of your heart. Every slow beat pumping my body, keeping my life afloat. From night to night, I find new songs to spiral through on repeat. I never find myself reaching the end, knowing that the dead silence that sinks in after lights out will pull me deeper into the ocean. Advertisements
A puzzled mess broken down on the first night, followed by the shattered glass beneath my bare toes. I keep replaying the points in time where those tiny, shameful thoughts developed. These frustrations terribly difficult to express directly without a hint of fear. These fearful questions emptying out my mind, forcing my everything to slowly deteriorate back into the shadows.
I don’t want to be consumed by the poison that is myself any longer.
You were right, I spend my life waiting. I spend my life waiting for the right moment, the day the broken pieces pick themselves up. I’m just terrified, you know? What if that day comes, what if the broken pieces come together and all I find is emptiness. Think about it, every piece of me, every shatter came from the beauties in my life. What if I grow up and discover that the adventurous side of me is no longer there, or the fire I once had inside me is long gone. If you want me to be honest, I have no idea what’s supposed to happen. I’m split between many trails of thoughts. What if I spend too much of my time in the past, and not moving on and learning from mistakes? What if I spend too much of my time in the present, allowing for a difficult and unprepared for future? What if I spend too much of
The feeling of a heart wanting to contract itself into nothingness is far too familiar. So are the millions of thoughts rushing through my head, never staying still long enough for me to capture, like tadpoles in a pond. The songs playing out my phone seems to fade into the background, as if I’m becoming smaller and smaller within a body of meat and bones. Occasionally the lyrics sink through, darkening the page that are my thoughts with its black ink. The thoughts becoming smudges, tearing away. My nerves beg me to scream but my throat holds me back, hushing me as it tries to keep my emotions from showing. My eyes staring beyond whatever they’re looking at, as if the subject doesn’t exists. I want so much to be okay but at the same time, Maybe this is needed?
I constructed a paradise in a polluted mind to balance myself on the edge. A paradise that was toxic, yet the kind that slowly burns away at the soul. I was in denial when you left, I forged a future of us that I collapsed myself within. This processing was slow for me as I helplessly grew tight vines around the idea that you’ll be back, but you never did. Every photo of us were kept in the back of my folders, neatly preserving beautiful memories of you that dissolved into corruption. I sought emptiness through endless sleeps, because in my mind emptiness was better than dealing with the destructive truth.
A single thread of rope dangles between hope and the veins gathered around the base of my neck. The rope loose, but deadly, patiently waiting for the bind. The scaffolds beneath slowly deteriorating from the collection of broken relationships over the small extent of what’s cruelly meant to be beauty.
Sometimes the reflection you see disappears, showing someone who fills you with anxiousness. This fear bubbles up within you, and you can’t help but question the reasons behind such personal change. ‘Did I change who I am for someone?’ is a fairly common thought that rushes through the mind at such times. It’s a thought, a tough one, that importantly reflects on the surroundings, whether it’s the relationship of a partner or a friendship. It’s a tough thought because it could possibly be the first crack in the walls between two souls. It could be the start of a culling in the ocean you’re swimming in. But to shine light on such a dark thought, it is generally the start towards a healthier, and happier life.