A puzzled mess broken down on the first night, followed by the shattered glass beneath my bare toes. I keep replaying the points in time where those tiny, shameful thoughts developed. These frustrations terribly difficult to express directly without a hint of fear. These fearful questions emptying out my mind, forcing my everything to slowly deteriorate back into the shadows. Advertisements
I could see the pain that laid between your toes, the never ending shivers refusing to let your spine rest. Despite everything that has happened, you are still the same person I’ve admired right from the start. I always held my promise, to be there with you along every broken day with the sun hidden away. But those days are gone now, along with every thought I once kept for you. It took me far too long to realise just how much my heart could stretch, no matter the love shared.
You have become a ghost, an image of the past. The only power you have left in my life are the scarring memories you left behind me: The midnight Skype calls, the goodnight messages, the quirky rants, the dreams we shared. But they’re all just dents scratches that cannot be painted over. You gave me some of the best times of my life and I will always be grateful for that. I will always cherish the quietness we shared, the beautiful silences of realisation. You sparked the realisations of all the potentials in life. The potential of a happy life, filled with blissful escapes, exciting adventures, and moments of pure love. All these moments, these small aspects of my life were shaping up alongside you, alongside us. And for once in a long time, I was incredibly happy. I spent every day with a plan; I was productive, thinking it was all going to work out. Then when night came, I
Each time I saw you, a piece broke off, like a snowball crumbling away. You reminded me of everything peaceful, just to resurface every bruise on my heart. You were here for only a moment, yet the scars you left will remain forever. I did not know how to move on from a moment, a moment gone too quick to understand. The softness of your voice, the smoothness of your skin, the kindness in your smile, forever branding themselves into my skin. I learnt from you that even beauty, especially beauty, can be the worst form of torture.
Could you see, the darkness beyond the horizon? It’s calling out for you, seeking your very presence. There is nothing here for you, not anymore. Only the crushed shells, the sunken soles, the broken water sinking us deeper. Maybe it’s time for you to go? The storms ahead will guide you, along your journey for the next island. Maybe then you’ll find him, the one meant for you?
I know I was only a whisper, mixed with the sounds of the wind. But I was hoping you’d hear my voice, as yours was the only voice I listened to. I’m sorry if you read these too late, but know that it’s okay. I’ll be gone by the time you no longer feel it, the soft emptiness irritating you, an emptiness you’re not quiet sure why. I’m hoping you’d see these notes in time, in case you can stop me before I leave. But I know deep down, that you’ll only romanticise them, thinking they were only abstract, meant for no one. Before I go, know that I wanted to leave three little words, words too difficult to say without fear. So I leave this, encryptions in notes that may never reach you.
Leave me here, twisted in my own guilt. Let me stay in the quietness of my worries. Love me from a far enough distance that I can no longer see. Lose every care or worry you once held close to yourself as I will no longer be here. Make me suffer in the unforgiving silence of my regrets. Mumble every word that you are too shy to say clearly because I need the hard truth. Make up with all the old friends you lost because of me as I am no longer around. Never forgive me for the scars I left on your heart because they will be always be felt. Nullify every emotion you once felt towards them as I no longer deserve them. No matter what happens, never forget my mistakes. Note: Just a play on words as a way to try something new!
I constructed a paradise in a polluted mind to balance myself on the edge. A paradise that was toxic, yet the kind that slowly burns away at the soul. I was in denial when you left, I forged a future of us that I collapsed myself within. This processing was slow for me as I helplessly grew tight vines around the idea that you’ll be back, but you never did. Every photo of us were kept in the back of my folders, neatly preserving beautiful memories of you that dissolved into corruption. I sought emptiness through endless sleeps, because in my mind emptiness was better than dealing with the destructive truth.
A single thread of rope dangles between hope and the veins gathered around the base of my neck. The rope loose, but deadly, patiently waiting for the bind. The scaffolds beneath slowly deteriorating from the collection of broken relationships over the small extent of what’s cruelly meant to be beauty.
Tell me what you came here for, was it the guilt? Did you feel that coming back and recreating a friendship was going to demolish what we’ve been through? If I’m being honest, I learnt a great deal from you. Because of you, I became doubtful of everything around me. I struggled to gain trust with people who deserved more trust than you ever got. I hate the deformed monstrosity I evolved into through every stressful minute I had with you. It’s not a case of looking into the mirror and hating who I’ve become, It’s a lot worse than that. Every sense of me was attacked, from the nostalgic songs running through my ears reminding me of what I thought was a stepping stone to a long lasting happiness, to the bed I barely sleep in because of all the nights I stayed up rambling with you on the life we have and could have. Every good memory I